Cheesepuffs, Please

Tomorrow is the first day of July (for those of you so isolated in your Summer Enjoyment that you've lost track of the months) and with it comes the second part of my test of self-control: No Snacks/No Seconds. I'd like to focus on the former part of this.

No snacks, while not nearly as rough as 'no sugar', posses it's own problems - mostly because I foolishly used snacky foods (which I don't normally eat) as a crutch to replace my cookie crutch. Now I have no crutch at all and I'm concerned as to how that will effect the rest of my summer.

I drowned my misery at the prospect of no more French Onion Sun Chips for the summer in a bag of borrowed cheesepuffs and quickly inhaled all of them.

I feel like this may have been counter-productive (like going to a bar before attending your first AA meeting) but I also feel like I needed a proper "send-off" before plunging into a desert of carrot sticks and boiled celery.

Oh well.

Also, I should mention that today I wrapped a piece of cheesecake in tinfoil and stuck it in the back of the freezer in my garage. Call me pathetic; I just hope it's still there in September when I go back for it.

Too Much Corn

It's hard for me to find snacks that are not "sugary." In the past my fall-backs for stomach fillers have been things like toffee covered peanuts and those pink and white animal crackers with the sprinkles ... mMm. Anyway, the point is that I've had to make alterations to my snack foods and it hasn't been going so well.

While watching the World Cup with my brother and grandma (yes, she's the most awesome grandma ever for following international soccer) I decided to make popcorn.

I've never made popcorn before.

I was doing the legit kind - not the fake stuff you microwave - I was really going to put kernels in a pot and pop them. And it would be awesome. But then it wasn't.

The trouble with popcorn is that it's difficult to tell when you have enough kernels in the pot to produce a sufficient amount of fluffy stuff. I had a big pot so I figured if I just had enough to cover the bottom I'd be good. I poured the kernels into the hot oil and lidded the pot. And then I waited. I shook the pot a little bit. And waited.

Then, all at once, the whole thing EXPLODED. There was popcorn everywhere! It was all I could do to keep the lid on the pot. Then I tried to pour some of the popped corn into a bowl to make room for the rest of the kernels to puff. Unfortunately, my grandma's old-fashioned burner stove that uses real flames and the tasseled dish rag I was using to hold the pot handles didn't get along so well.

Next thing I knew my rag was in flames and the corn just kept coming. I threw the rag into the sink of dirty dish water and slammed the knob on the stove to turn off the burner.

The final tally was more than two full bowls worth of popcorn (of which I ate an entire one all by myself ... still slightly ashamed of that,) one dead rag, and nobody any the wiser of what had happened (they were all too busy watching the USA get cheated out of an other-wise great game.)

My only consolation is that in four years when we play at the World Cup again, I'll know how to properly pop corn.

Actually, scratch that. In four years I'll be back to candied peanuts and pink animal crackers with sprinkles.

Whipped-Cream

Every rule needs an exception. In Paramore's song (introduced to me by a friend on the four hour drive up to a Palm Nursery in Santa Barbara) "the only exception" - the exception is Love. In my sugarless summer, the exception is whipped cream.

You'll notice that I stated "every rule NEEDS an exception" - not has or should have. Every rule NEEDS an exception (are you beginning to see a pattern in my 'law-abiding' tendencies?)

Anyway, I spent the last week in Santa Barbara working at a Palm Nursery. In the evenings, the crew would go to a coffee shop in town called "Jitters." Jitters has a lot of appealing aspects - the native Santa Barbara art work on the walls; the 'up-and-coming' artists, hopefuls, and creative types that sat quietly at the tiny tables; the large, warm-yellow mugs they used for coffee; the free-internet...

The drink list was extensive and delicious looking. Espresso and chocolate were the two most used ingredients. I stuck to my guns and didn't have anything sugary. But as they handed me my sugar-free toffee latte, I realized that I needed an exception. So I asked for whipped cream. And I got it. It was delightful.

Is my conscience trouble? No. Is my sugarfree program ruined? Not at all. In fact, I discovered as I drove back down to San Diego, listening to Paramore on my friend's ipod and licking the whipped cream off my sugarfree starbucks vivanno, that exceptions are like whipped cream: they are good for the soul. And so is Santa Barbara. I want to go back there.

Let Them Eat Cake

"Graduation Season" is almost over, and with it go the parties, the ceremonies, the celebratory mini-golf outings at 11PM ... and the cake.

Those of you who've also been going without sugar have probably realized that "Grad Season" was not the best time to start such an event. Literally one week after I cut off my sugar intake I was confronted with sweet treats of every kind - including the MASSIVE left-over graduation cake that has been sitting in my fridge for over 8 days (I know, I'm not sure if it's even good anymore...)

For those of you who broke down and had a slice, don't worry about it - cake is my weak spot too. Don't be afraid to jump back in with the rest of us and start fresh!

For those of you who had cupcakes slammed in your faces (I would be part of this group) and managed to NOT lick the icing off your faces, congratulations. I'm proud of you.

And for those of you who've decided where your "Sugar Line" is, who've said 'no' to your "Cookie Crutches" for the past 2 and 1/2 weeks, who've walked half a block to find a water fountain instead of just drinking a coke, and who've sat in front of the fridge with the door open staring at a huge, fluffy, white cake (again, I would be part of this group), thanks for sticking in there with me.

I have a feeling that, even without the sugar, this is going to be a good summer.

Cookie-Crutches

Humans often use food (especially unhealthy foods) as a crutch to provide temporary emotional stability. Chocolate, Ice-Cream, ungodly amounts of Pizza, Squeezy-Cheese from a can, and Cookie-Dough are top on the list of comfort foods (I call them Cookie-Crutches.) The trouble with these substitutes is that they are often not as effective as an actual long tern solution would be (I know, it's a tough concept to swallow.)

When things get stressful for me (as I'm sure they will at some point this summer) I will not have my "Cookie-Crutch."

Ah, but there is hope. A recent experience in my Church's nursery on Sunday Morning gave me an insight that I would like to share with my fellow Sugar-freemen (that, guys, is our new "groupie" name, okay?)

Three children regularly attend the Nursery on Sundays. Child#1 is basically an angel and generally very easy to manage (except when she's clawing the new-comers.) Child#2 is Child#3's big brother (he's three and 1/2 years old and I love him.) He's a doll and very helpful at keeping his sister in toe. Child#3 looks cute, but she has attachment issues. When Parent's or Child#2 disappear she begins an endless flow of tears (like Alice's from "Alice in Wonderland") that grow bigger, sadder, and more hysterical on a bi-secondly basis.

Everything was going fine (as they tend to right before a massive disaster) until Child#2 had to use the restroom. As soon as he closed the bathroom door behind him, his sister, Child#3, turned on the sprinklers. Tears gushed forward uncontrollably. I opened the door for her to follow her brother into the restroom. Didn't help. So I picked up Child#1 (who's too young to be left alone) and we march in after Child#2&3.

Child#1 heard the crying (which hadn't stopped) and thought something must be wrong (I don't actually know what she was thinking, I'm just assuming that's how her thought process worked), so she started crying too. So two of my three charges are sobbing in an echoing bathroom right off the main sanctuary. I dragged all three children (not literally) out of the restroom to try and calm everyone down, unsuccessfully of course.

Child#1 was no longer crying, she was just mimicking the noise Child#3 was making, with a bright, cheery smile on her face ("Isn't this fun, Mary?"). Child#2 had stopped trying to calm his sister down and was shouting "She's not a big girl, is she? Nooo." Thanks for the heads up, Child#2. Child#3 was inconsolable. I offered her toys, I offered her Child#1's toys, I offered her a time-share when she turns 21. Bottles, blankets, and big hugs (which actually hurt the cause) didn't help. Finally I pulled out the cookies.

I had one small, animal cookie in my hand. Slowly I approached the hysterical girl.

I think it's important to mention at this point that Child#3 has always been somewhat terrified of me.

Back to the story: I'm holding the cookie in my hand, between the tips of my fingers. She sees it and (while still crying) assumes a look of curiosity. I knew that if I moved in closer she would get scared and run away (still crying.) I gently laid the cookie down on the kiddie table in front of her, feeling like a crazy native offering a sacrifice to King Kong.

As I backed away, she came forward. She grabbed the cookie and darted into a corner...Still crying.

What was this? She had the cookie! She was eating it! I knew it tasted good! So what was the problem?

No, Child#3 did not stop crying until her Mom came in and took her from my care. It actually took a person whom she loved to quiet her down.

Watching her be rocked by her Mother, chewing happily and peacefully on the animal cookies I'd given her, I realized two things: 1. Food doesn't make us feel better - People do. And 2. I miss Animal Crackers.

The Sugar Line

It's been two weeks since I began my Sugarless Summer and the hardest part is about to begin: week three. The 3rd week has always been the toughest for me because that's when the cravings really start (I love how much I sound like an addict - I'm really not totally insane, I swear).

For those of you who are trying to follow me this Summer in not consuming sugars or sodas (I'm starting part 2 in July: "no snacks or seconds") there are some issues we need to clear up. I've been asked a lot "what is considered a sugar?" Where is the Sugar Line?

Story-Time!

It is a long standing tradition in the my House to buy a boat load of candy from a Wal-Mart or Target, etc, before seeing a movie and then smuggling the candy into the Theater to save on the outrageous prices they charge for half a box of whoppers (are you sensing that I enjoy smuggling things?)

Having been invited to go see Prince of Persia with some friends, sister#2 and I set off to the Target near our House to buy some goodies. While making our way to the Candy Isle I suddenly remembered... I can't eat sugar. This lead us to spend the next half hour looking for snacks that didn't have "sugar." Unfortunately, most processed foods contain a certain amount of sugar so there wasn't anything technically "sugarfree."

Some of you may have come across this problem as well. Just about everything we eat has at least small amounts of sugar.

Sister#2: "Why don't you just decide an amount of grams per serving that is an acceptable sugar serving?"
Brilliant idea, sister#2!

But how do you figure out what is and is not an acceptable level of sugar? I'll tell you how: you document all the ingredient info on chocolate, candies, and sweet pastries in the store and then average. High sugar content is between 21 and 35 grams of sugar at a minimum. Normal is about 12. So that, we decided, is an "okay" amount of sugar grams per serving.

But as we left the Candy Isle, fruit-rollup snacks in hand, sister#2 saw a bag of sugarfree Chocolate Turtles.

(Chocolate Turtles are one of my bigger weak-spots.)

They contained absolutely no sugar (though there was a high amount of "alcohol-sugar" - a processed sweetener.) Technically speaking, these were more acceptable than the fruit snacks I was holding (and probably better tasting)!

But it was chocolate... Somehow I just couldn't bring myself to find chocolate acceptable. Legal it might be, but the Jiminy Cricket inside my head was saying "really now?"

I bought the fruit roll-ups (though I don't honestly think I'll do that again this Summer) and left the sugarfree chocolate on the shelf.

All this is to say: the Sugar Line is up to you. If you think something contains too much sugar on a technical scale, don't eat it. But if you just think you should stay away from it, or if you're not sure either way, take the safe route and say "no." It'll only be ten weeks till you can have it again anyway.

Just ten weeks, folks. =)

Chocolate Bacon

Hitting the scene in 2005 and spreading like wild-fire – it’s CHOCOLATE COVERED BACON! That’s right! You heard me! CHOCOLATE COVERED BACON, folks.

Sizzling bacon smothered in melted chocolate, cooled to perfection, it was the hottest thing on the fairgrounds last summer. They were calling it “Pig Lickers” at the Minnesota State Fair and in New York City it’s sold as “Pig Candy.”

All I can say is that I want in on this action. FINALLY someone realized that you can combine earth’s two greatest elements: delicious fat and chocolate. Of all the earth-shattering combinations, this one has the most potential to be explosive to the waistline.

In 2009, one journalist at the Florida State Fair called the dish “the greatest thing since deep-fried Pepsi.” A company in London, Selfridges & Co., sells gourmet Chocolate Bacon Bars using either smoked applewood or salted alderwood bacon, dipped in either milk or dark chocolate. Their entire stock sold out in 48 hours.

US residents are trying the recipe at home using regular bacon strips and Nestles Semi-Sweet Chocolate Chips.

I think we all know the first thing I will eat on September 1^st.